Is there a more beautiful college? No. No there is not.



Ahem;

Okay, so, I just need to get this off my chest.
I WANT TO FOCUS ON SCHOOL! AND NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH WORKING! OR FINDING A PLACE TO LIVE! I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO FOCUS ON SCHOOL!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE, ADULTHOOD!

It seems so difficult to actually be a student right now, because I am being forced to focus on other things as well. And, sure, college kids have to have jobs...and I get that. But,is it really fair to ask this of us? I think that I should be able to have a title of STUDENT and thats all. Let me educate myself, and learn, and add to our society. THEN, I will work. THEN I can bring home the bacon, err...whatever.
But for now...just let me study. And explore. And be. Okay?

GRRRR!!

A few things, actually.

1. I have purchased my instrument. In as little time as 3-5 days, I can be blowing into the most magnificent instrument in the world. I don't think I can conjure up the words to describe how happy and excited I am. I wish I could drop out of school, quit my job, and run off to a little quiet cottage in the woods, and simply play and play and play. Of course, I wont drop out of school or quit my job, but you get my point.

2. 3 year olds are exhausting.


3. I am developing a kick ass immune system between being around preschoolers, and my boyfriend who works in a hospital.

I am about to explore something that I never thought I would. Im not sure what I am doing, or why I want to. Or where it will lead. No idea at all. It will be educational, and very interesting. Or, it may piss me off. We will see.

I can never say enough about how much I love my town. I really love it. From it's appreciation for the arts, to it's small town charm, to the vibrant and diverse group of people,  it is, to me, one of the best places on Earth.

So beautiful. Spring can't come soon enough.



If I could make a list of how I would like the rest of my life to go, it would look something like this.

Graduate from Mount Holyoke College, or UMASS with a Music/ Music Ed degree
Get an awesome job at Oak Grove School.
Buy a little house in a charming, cute neighborhood close to work
Start a garden in my backyard
Adopt a baby or child ( from the U.S or anywhere else. It doesnt matter to me!)
Get my Masters degree
Travel to Austria, Germany and France
Write a childrens book

( What do people do in their 40's-60's??)

Retire in the English Countryside.

I WANT TO.

I NEED TO.

I WILL DO.

"It's never too late to be who you might have been " George Eliot

First, let me begin by saying this: I hope everyone who survived in Japan can find comfort somewhere with someone, and that nobody is alone.

The earthquake and tsunami that demolished parts of Japan is no doubt terrifying. All of the footage and photos look like scenes from a movie. Massive, black, demonic waves covering roads like a blanket, buildings split into pieces, thousands of bodies washed all over. Tragedy hovers everywhere.  While Japan is part of the "ring of fire" and is very prone to earthquakes, this amount of immense destruction is unimaginable. Mother Nature is certainly upset. The death toll has been estimated over 10,000 people. That's the amount of people who live in my town. 

I hope that every nation will continue to offer support and materials to help Japan and to those in need. 
If you would like to donate to help Japan, here are some places you could do so:

The American Red Cross
GlobalGiving
Save the Children
Salvation Army
Americares

Not that I'm in the position at all to raise a child, but I have a thought.
Adoption.
Thousands and thousands of women get pregnant every year. And thousands of babies and children are put up for adoption. My thought is this; why should I go through 9 months of hell, and an even more hellish labor, when there are thousands of already born babies and children waiting for a home. Shouldn't more people take advantage of this? Sure, the baby wont be a mix of you and your partners chromosomes, or have similar DNA....but does that really matter? If it has 10 fingers and toes, shouldn't that be good enough? If you want to be a parent, wouldn't you be happy with any child? Sure people will argue that its "just not the same" or you will not be as connected to your child as you would had it been in your womb. I don't believe that. I think that whole concept of bonding with your child while its inside of you is a load of crap that our society has made up.

Yeah, that's my thought. Adopt.

"Finally, some time!" I think to myself. But then, the question pops up...What is time? How do I like to spend it? What should I rather be doing? Am I spending my time appropriatly?  Why do I do the things I do?  And, simply put, I try to ignore all of these questions. For one moment, I just want to live, and be. I don't want the pressures of life getting in the way. I just want to do the things I like to do, and continue. Instead of constantly questioning and being concerned with  why we do the things we do, lets just sit- and enjoy them. Too often we don't do the things we love just because we can. In my opinion, you are entitled to do what you want. ( assuming it isnt starting a Genocide, or something radical like that). But, really, how often can you say you do something for the sheer enjoyment of it? Isnt there always some kind of compensation or something else tied into it? For example, look at me and school. I adore coming to school and learning. But, I am here for a bigger reason. To get a degree, so I can work, and make money, and buy food, and have a roof over my head. There are these responsibilities that go along with everything we do. Is that fair? Perhaps this is just "adulthood". Perhaps thats why so many adults are bitter and hate their lives. And maybe thats why children are so jolly and pleasant. Children who want to swing on the playground go and swing. They do it because they enjoy it. There is no thought process. It is simply " I want to swing" and not " I could swing, but it might be better for me to play in the sandbox today..."  There are no other alternative outcomes. Just to be happy, and have fun.
So maybe for you its math or reading. Maybe its playing softball, doing yoga or listening to music. whatever it is, let it be for you. And let yourself fully enjoy your time.
let yourself live. just be, and enjoy.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STRESS.

Something that is becoming more and more of a struggle as a continue closer to my 21st birthday, is all the pressure to drink. I made the decision at least 6 months ago that I would not drink. Yes, at all. So often I hear " wait until you are 21!" or " When you are 21, we will go out all the time!!". And yet, these people just assume that I do drink. To be perfectly blunt, why would they think I would want to do that? Don't they understand my history with alcohol? Don't they see that my childhood was destroyed because of the dangers of alcohol? Cant people just say " Happy Birthday!" instead of " Lets's get wasted!!". Really. Where did this obsession with drinking begin? Ive heard on commericals and T.V that on average, the first time someone first tries drinking is in 8th grade. 8th GRADE? Why aren't our schools stressing the importance of alcohol awareness? What message are our parents sending to their children? What about kids, like me, who have seen their parents lives ruined because of drinking? And now suffers from PTSD, anxiety attacks...etc.  Is there no sympathy for them? Or kids, again, like me, who have already had a relationship with alcohol and who had to find out the hard way it is a dangerous thing to be playing around with. Is there no support for them? This constant sense of drinking being all around you is incredibly suffocating. It seems I cant go anywhere without someone joking " can we bring beer?" or " Man, do I need a drink".  I wish people had the courtesy to understand that some of us don't find alcohol amusing. It's the same thing as someone saying jokingly, " I wish I didn't have children!" to someone who is incapable of having children. So, to get to my point, think about what you are saying...and who you are saying it to. If you want to drink, by all means. Be responsible, understand your limits, and be respectful of those around you.

Ehm, one quick question. Why are relationships so complex?

So if you recall a few posts down, I mentioned how wonderful my school is.
I would like to add something to that...

MY SCHOOL IS THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD!

The Financial Aid office has helped me so that I may purchase a new French Horn.
I can now officially change my major, declare my primary instrument, and be merry.
I cannot believe it. I am so very thankful that I have this opportunity. I am making a promise,
right here, to myself....and for everyone to witness.... that I will not give up. Even if
it seems like there is no time, or things are too stressful.... I will do this. I owe it myself.
I deserve this.  Nothing will stop me!



I once had a whim and I had to obey it,
To buy a French horn in a second-hand shop.
I polished it up and I started to play it,
In spite of the neighbours who begged me to stop.

To sound my horn,
I had to develop my embouchure.
I found my horn,
Was a bit of a devil to play.
So artfully wound,
To give you a sound,
A beautiful sound,
So rich and round.

Oh the hours I had to spend,
Before I mastered it in the end.

***

On a totally different note:

I read something yesterday that sparked my attention, and made me think.

Why is it we only have special awards for actors/film??

Wouldnt it be a wonderful thing to celebrate all other careers? I know what you may be thinking- that would be IMPOSSIBLE! But, really, just think about it. Think about yourself. What if you were nominated for Best Supporting Electrician? Or what about Best Baker? I can speak for myself only, and I know that it would not only be a fun evening to be surrounded by my co-workers in the profession I choose, but it would also be a real honor. Maybe we should look at it this way- do your job to the best of your abilities. Try your very hardest, and do your best work. That way, someday, you may just get your few minutes of fame, up on a stage, thanking the world for recognizing you. ( Thanks Erica, for letting me blog about your idea!)